Every now and then I decide to throw caution to the wind, and decide to see the good in a certain person. I ignore the past, and just say to myself, "But he's still a good guy."

I really don't know WHAT I see in the guy, I really don't. But apparently I see something.

And every single time... every... single... time... he does it again. He becomes a douche. And y'know, part of it has to do with himself. He's not a happy person.

But you know what?

I think I've had it.

You're cut off, buddy.

I'm done caring for the person you are.

Grow a pair, why don't you?

(John Rzeznik)

You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry
All you remember now
Is what you feel

The truth remains
In midnight conversations
I asked for this moment
But you turned away

Sad like a lonely child
Broken the day you're born
I held the light to you
But I was so vain

And you remain
A promise unfulfilled
I ask you for more
But you push me away

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside us
Everything means more now than
Words could explain

And if we feel the silence
*Leaving this all behind us*
Looking for something more to say

I don't know where I'm going
Only know where I been
But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind
We've been so lost for so long
I don't know how to get back again

And we're drowning in the water
That flows under this bridge
When you're fighting the current
You forget how to live
And I wanted to reach you
but I don't know where to begin
And you remain
A promise unfulfilled until today

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside us
Everything means more now than
Words could explain
And if we feel the silence
Leaving this all behind us
When it's gone what will you say

How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on

You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry

Well that's a load off my shoulders.
=)

Just give me a freaking clue, man!
Just enough of one that I can make a move, since you won't. BAH! :P

I'm the type of person to make plans, and have a smile plastered to my face. If I'm quiet, people assume there's something wrong. But even though they assume something is wrong, I've come to the conclusion that they really don't want to know what is wrong at all. They really could care less.

I'm there for everyone. If you need to vent, I'm there. If you need to complain about something, I listen. And every now and then I just can't take it anymore, and I let you know. But I very rarely let anything get to me, and when I do, I realize I do overreacted. But it's not like I don't have the right. After listening to everyone's woes, it gets to me sometimes. And when that gets to me, and life gets to me... I crack.

Tonight, I felt my defenses falling down. I felt everything fall onto my shoulders, and all of my faults, and problems came to the forefront, all because a friend decided to throw a temper tantrum because I threw one.

I sat and watched as I was told that someone's schedule was so busy... and here I was, dealing with a stack of unwashed dishes, and dirty laundry piling up, because I literally haven't had any evenings to myself for the past three weeks (not to mention I had lost my lunches for two weeks). I couldn't take seeing someone use such an excuse when my own schedule had become hectic and ridiculous in the past few days as an unforeseen event changed my plans, and work schedule.

Right now, I'm tired, I'm depressed, and I can hear my neighbour's music through my floor, and I just want to throw the towel in - just give up trying to be the cheerful one. When was the last time someone saw me cry? When was the last time someone saw me lose my temper? Do I not get to have the opportunity that everyone else does?

And when is an apology not enough? Even after an apology, I get the cold shoulder, and the brush off, because that sort of attitude makes the other person feel better about themselves - even if they had been in the wrong to begin with. It's not the first time I have been dealt this sort of punishment for being angry at someone, and it certainly won't be the last.

And while on this topic, I've realized I'm the most forgiving person in the world. I have learned to forgive and forget, and sometimes I sit there, across from friends, and wonder why I decided to let them back into my life. And I've realized I let them back into my life because I just wish I could find some friends who find my own feelings worth their time. And while I have suspicions some of my friends really could care less about how I feel, at least some of them do pretend.

I'm tired of apologizing. I find I constantly apologize for the times when I'm out of line, but I very rarely get an apology in return. I get apologies for the things that don't matter, like someone bumping into me. But when was the last time a friend truly apologized for being rude to me? I don't think people give a shit when they're rude to me. I understand most people don't realize it when their attitude is unacceptable, but hindsight is always 20/20, and I find people should look back on their actions, and wonder if they've hurt others.

I know I hurt others on occasion, and I try my damndest to make up for it... I know I'm not perfect, but sometimes I just wish people would put the same effort into friendships that I do. I can count my best friends on one hand - and those people are the ones who call me out of the blue, or start conversations with me, or invite me to events that don't require me driving them somewhere. And while I can only name a few friends that I know give a shit about me, I still have many more friends that I make an effort to stay in communication with, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it.

Every now and then I stop talking to people, to see who really cares.

If I stop talking to you, it's because I think you don't give a shit about me. And if you don't send me a message or give me a call, it's obvious I'm not worth much of your attention. It only takes a second or two to send a message saying, "Hi, how's it going?"

I know I'm not the easiest person to live with. I'm annoying as hell, and never shut up. But just remember, you're hard to live with, too... not everyone can be perfect.

So I’ve been rolling this around in my head for some time.

I just watched Disney Nature: Earth on Tuesday and it was beautiful.

However, I had a thought. And my thought is quite direct.

How can people think God created such a magnificent thing as the Earth? How can some people not see that every single organism, every living, breathing creature is one small part of the whole glorious thing that is Mother Earth?

To me, it’s the most obvious thing out there. God is not in nature. God did not create nature. God is nature. To give credit of the beauty and magnificence of Earth to the whim of an ethereal God is ludicrous. To say that such beauty was simply created just seems absurd to me.

These are Mother Earth’s children, not some God’s play toys that he’s left us in charge of. And yes, I’ve read my Bible. And I know that in Genesis God tells Adam and Eve that they’re basically ruling over the animals.

“God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.””

Wait, what? Fill the Earth and subdue it? Subdue it?! Fill the Earth and subdue it? I understand this is someone’s faith, and they believe wholly in their God, but do they honestly think that God would tell us to overpopulate the Earth and kill all the animals just so that we can live? The Bible preaches to be humble, but also states that we are to rule over the fish, birds, and every living thing that moves on earth. No humble man rules over an entire planet.

The animals on the planet are not put on this world to be ruled over by one measly species that would not be able to survive without their manmade, processed weapons.

My take on organized religion is quite simple. I think it was created to make humans feel special, to make them fear, and to make them hope. Humans already fear that there’s nothing beyond this life – that there really is no purpose once we die. Religion takes that fear and replaces it with another fear: the fear of a smiting, angry God. However, it also gives hope that there is something better beyond this life. But you sure as hell won’t get to it unless you appease the mighty, smiting God.

I see my God everywhere. She surrounds me wherever I go. And yes, she is an angry God. But no wonder she is an angry God. We’re killing her. We’re taking her for granted because of another God that claims we are to subdue her. We are stealing her beauty every day, and all she can do is send forth nature at her very best. And when a hurricane takes the lives of thousands, we claim it a tragedy. But it is only a natural tragedy. Something we would never be able to stop with our guns and our nuclear weapons.

Has it ever occurred that perhaps it is Her way of telling us that there are too many of us? That she needs to be able to breathe? Is it so hard to believe that God can be seen, can be heard, and can be felt every day you are alive? That she is a breathing, living God? That you are a part of this God, and she needs you to remember that?

We take her for granted, and every day I see her and I realize she’s all around us. The ocean is the best way to describe her. She gives and she takes life. And we have to accept that. For one day, she may decide to just give up, and take all life… and start anew.

Please take care of her. It’s all she asks.

I've finally begun writing down a story that began long before I hit puberty.

It started as a simple way to keep myself from becoming carsick. It started with a horse. And a rider, no less. It started when I began to watch The Black Stallion. All it took to erase the carsickness, was to imagine a horse and rider running alongside the car. That's all it took. But by the time I was going to be taking a long trip (2-3 days in length at that age), it had progressed so far. Most of my characters were borrowed from television shows, and books.

At the time I took that first long road trip without getting sick, the main male character I am writing about never existed.

My characters are always half created. Each one is borrowed from something that had a large impact on my life. Tobias - Animorphs. Lucas - Seaquest.

My female characters, however, are completely unique. Perhaps they are parts of my own subconscious.

But this story is so interesting to write. It's not 100% the story I have been coming up with all this time. In fact, I'm rewriting it so to speak. I'm adding things here and there, and removing quite a lot of stuff that make the story a tad bit bogus. I'm also deleting a shitload of stuff that bases my story upon other stories.

Yes, this story was initially an epic fan fiction. It no longer is. It's quite unique, these days. And it's been fun to write.

I'm nowhere near done. In fact, I don't even have thirty pages. But considering I'm only writing a little bit a day, it's pretty impressive. Especially since I realize how much more I have to go.

I have an outline. And I'm following it.

Woo.

How the hell is it that every time I need to go use the public restroom at work... someone else just has to walk in behind me and use the stall next over? EVERY TIME! There's only 25 people on this floor, for crying out loud!

/end rant

I’m not quite sure what to make of it. I’m at a loss for words, about this.

Yesterday morning, (the 16th of April, my birthday no less), I awoke to a message on POF. The night before I had just perused through a few profiles looking at the guys, with no intentions of sending out a message. I was just bored. But it seems lately that if I log in, someone is bound to message me.

So I hop on over to my profile, and check the message. Apparently, I look familiar, like someone who had dated this guy’s friend. Was my name Lynne?

Obviously, I’m not going to lie. However, I wanted to know who this friend was? It couldn’t possibly have been Marc… I went on maybe three or four dates with the guy. And it couldn’t have been any of the other POFers. No way.

And I doubted it was any of Brad’s friends. I don’t know any of Brad’s Ottawa friends. I only know his Cornwall friends.

Could it? Could it really be?

The guy’s username rang a bell in my head about someone…

Something about violins, you say?

Hmm.

Believe it or not, it’s Larry’s roommate.

Yes, that’s right, Larry’s roommate.

Larry’s roommate specifically says on his profile that he is only looking for friends that have similar views and interests. But why is Larry’s roommate talking to me? He obviously only knows the embarrassing things about me. Like the times he’s met me, I was probably very drunk. And other things as well.

So why talk to me?

I’m paranoid, so imagine the scenarios I’ve come up with.

Even writing this and leaving it public is a leap for me. I know Larry used to read this thing… so it’s very easy for anyone he knows to get access to this thing as well. So yah. I’m writing this, and I’m brave enough to post it. Take that, paranoia!

This is how it works.

You come to me with all your problems. And you come to me with all your exciting news. But most of all, you come to me just to vent.

And this one time, when I crack, and vent right back at you? You throw the obvious tantrum. You decide that since I am being negative (which is once in a million years) you won’t talk to me. Because I’m trying to get across to you how you’re coming across to me.

It’s very mature.

I’m sick of being everyone’s little rant-puppet.

Let’s go to Lynne and tell her how bad our day has been. Because she’s so happy, and always looks at the positive side of life. Negativity can’t possibly affect her.

Wrong.

Negativity affects me, which is why I avoid it like the plague. And when it does get me down, I try my damndest not to show it. The only place you’ll find my negativity is in my writing, because I still act as happy as I always was.

Read this:

friend: cynical
friend: sorry, had a bad night, won't go into detail because i don't want to depress you


The moment you have said you had a bad night, you have laid the ground work for the story that will no doubt follow if I ask the words, “What’s wrong?”

And that’s what you want to hear, no doubt. Because it does you good to vent to me. But it does absolutely no good for me to hear you vent, because I’ve already got enough problems on my own plate that I never tell you, because I know you’re a negative person. Bringing more negativity to your plate will only make you more negative, and I hate negative people.

So while you say you don’t want to talk about it, what you’ve told me already screams the opposite. You’re just dying to whine to me, while I’m already dying inside. It doesn’t matter to you if I’m happy or sad. I’m there to hear your woes. You don’t see me as a real person, and I don’t know how to feel about that.

I can’t always be there to hear your problems, and you’re going to have to deal with that. I know I’m being ultimately selfish right now, but I need to be selfish to protect my own sanity, so please try to respect that.

I don’t enjoy hearing other people’s problems; however I have come to terms that people will always come to me with their problems. And not one of these people ever expects me to come back to them with my own problems. They can’t be there for me as they want me to be there for them, and I find it highly unfair.

I’m tired of it all, lately, and what you pulled this morning is the last straw.

me: mentioning it to me, then saying you won't detail it, is the total opposite of focusing on the positive
you are still being negative
friend: alright then
i'll stop talking
cya

Did I tell you to stop talking? No. I told you that you were still being negative, which you were. If you can’t handle the truth, then why do you come to me?

So you know what? If you’re going to stop talking to me just because I was completely honest with you, fine. You can do that. If it makes you feel better to ignore the people who are trying to tell you what you’re doing wrong in your goal to be optimistic, fine, then do it. I’m not going to stop you. But from now on don’t expect any reinforcement, criticism, or care coming from me.

Because I’m through with it.

Grow the hell up.

As I was walking to Blockbuster yesterday, I realized something. I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all.

When I'm with others, I'm fine. I love talking, and socializing, and being with people. But when I'm on my own, I find myself filling my time with activities that stop me from thinking. Often I will have the tv on, my laptop in my lap, food beside me, and a book in hand. So I don't have to think about what my life is like.

Oh sure, I have a lot of exciting plans for this year. I have a season's pass to La Ronde, I will be going to Scotland in July, and quite possibly to Orlando in December. But honestly, my life is void.

There's this empty spot, and I try so hard to fill it, but I continuously fail.

I know what's got me down, but there's just no way to fix it. Since December I've been fueled by hope that I will find what I'm looking for, but I've finally given up. I've met too many guys off of POF since January, and I've just. Given. Up. I won't meet any other good guys off of that website. Apparently, one is the quota. And I used my quota up last May. And somewhere along the line, I blew it with Larry, and I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I did.

I'm tired of the life I lead. I need a big change to get me going again. And being excited for amusement parks and travelling Scotland can only keep me happy for so long. So I shall continue to not think, as that seems the best plan. But what else am I supposed to do when I walk to Blockbuster? Perhaps I shall have to start driving there.

Sometimes you must sacrifice your wants for someone else's needs.

I like to test friendships.

I don’t trust very easily. In fact, sometimes I think I trust no one – not even myself. But when it comes to whether or not I know someone has got my back – well… I’m one to doubt most people.

Testing a friendship, for me, is easy. Every now and then I’ll stop talking to you. I don’t mean I’m ignoring you. I’m not. Simply put, I’m waiting for you to talk to me first. That shows that you value my friendship.

Sometimes I feel that if I don’t try and maintain certain friendships, then they really wouldn’t exist at all. And on occasion, when I test these friendships out… I am proven right. In fact, there is one person in particular I’m thinking about.

She constantly cancelled or changed plans to benefit only her. If it wasn’t made easy for her, then it just wasn’t worth doing. She’d give me the same three lame excuses over and over again – and I guess she either wasn’t smart, or thought I wasn’t smart – because proof that she was out partying with other people when she was “sick”, “tired”, and “had no money”, came to my attention.

And then I realized something.

I was the one always making plans. And it was my plans that always got cancelled or changed. She very rarely made plans with me. I finally snapped one day when she tried changing plans again (with some extra lame excuses – because apparently she forgot that she had already told me she was working that morning). I told her flat out that I wasn’t changing them, that if this were the case, they were completely cancelled.

So I stopped messaging her, and emailing her, and calling her. And I waited for her to call me.

Yah, that never happened.

Obviously my friendship meant absolutely nothing to her.

Well, fine. Be that way. I don’t need friends like that anyway.

Why am I rehashing this? Well, because I was brutally made aware once again to trust no one. No one has my back. Everyone is out to throw the blame on someone else if something goes wrong. Someone decided to break my trust completely.

She literally did go behind my back, pointed the finger at me for something I did not do and claimed I was responsible for it. And she didn’t have the decency to let me know she was doing it. I found out through another source, and I just couldn’t believe it. Someone whom I believed was a friend was telling people that I was to blame! Without even warning me! What type of friend does that?

And you know what came of all this? I’m getting the cold shoulder, rude cryptic to-the-point messages concerning work, and a know-it-all attitude from her.

Looks like I didn’t have to test this friendship. She let me know exactly what she thinks of me without any help from me at all.

This is why my group of true friends is entirely too small. And the people I trust the most? Eighty percent of them are online friends. Why? Because people like me are too few. We are thrown across the globe, a tiny smattering of unique individuals who have a lot on their minds and a lot of soul to give. And you know what? Of all the people I know, in real life and online… of them all, I trust those that talk to me first, the most.

There’s a reason my best friend is very rarely in the same city I am. That’s one of the reasons I chose him as a best friend. Because if I only get to see my best friend four or five times in a year, it makes it that less likely for him to break my trust. Oh, he’s also my best friend because he’s the coolest person I know. That’s another good reason.

So, in the end, this is a shout out to all the people I consider true friends. Thanks for being there.

peace, love, Empathy

Kogo Shuko

Lion King.

I LOVED this movie as a kid. It's to the point where I had (and still do) it memorized.

It's no longer my favourite movie, but it's certainly my favourite cartoon and Disney movie.

20. Better Days – The Goo Goo Dolls

And you asked me what I want this year
and I try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need some place simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
and the one poor child who saved this world
and there's ten million more who probably could
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
and somehow stop this endless fight
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

Just looking for better days. I am always looking for better days. I want each day to be better than the last. With the right mind frame, this is a bit possible. Obviously we all have our down days. But here are some words to give you hope. Someone somewhere out there… wants better days. With you. Find that someone, and let the world begin again.

19. Hold On To Me – Riss Palmer

You hold onto hope
She’ll change her mind
Come runnin’ back
Straight back to you
You hold onto the past
Won’t set it free
You keep makin’ wishes
That just won’t come true

Chorus:
Well baby, let go of what used to be
Hold onto me
And let go of what makes you lonely
Hold onto me
And give up the heartache
The nights you lie awake
It’s easy to set it free
And hold onto me

Cause you need a rock
And that’s what I’ll be
You’ll always know
Where my heart stands
Don’t be afraid
I’ll catch your fall
You gotta trust me
Just take my hand

Chorus

I won’t let you go
Oh hold onto me
Oh baby baby, Oooh

Hold onto me
Give up the heartache
The nights you lie awake
It’s easy to set it free
Hold onto me

Hold
Hold onto me
Yeah
Hold onto me
Ooh
Hold onto me
Ooh yeah
Hold onto me
Yeah

Sometimes you just need to know that someone out there cares enough to want you to forget the past, and move forward. And this song says that. Forget about her; think about me.

I can be that type of person, and generally am. But sometimes I just wish that I could get that sort of attitude back.

I reviewed Saturday night in an actual journal last night (as in I wrote it down with pen and paper), and have come to the conclusion that this is the first guy since Larry that is beginning to actually compare. And I've only met up with him twice.

I blame it on the height thing.

I'm a sucker for looking up into a man's eyes.

18. Let It Go – Great Big Sea

Hey man, you don't know what you're missing
You count your curses and forget about the blessings
Don't you think you should learn a little lesson
What are you waiting for?

Hey man, what makes you so special
Can't seem to find the angels for the devils
Don't you think that if you learned to love a little
You'd live a whole lot more?


Let it Go Let it Go
This is smaller than you know
No bigger than a pebble lying on a gravel road
Let it Go Let it Go
Got to leave it all behind you
Give the sun a chance to find you
Let it Go

Lift you head, there's no time for crying
You made your bed but don't think it’s fit to lie in
Wasted on the ground when you know you should be flying
What are you waiting for?

Let it Go Let it Go
This is smaller than you know
No bigger than a pebble lying on a gravel road
Let it Go Let it Go
Got to leave it all behind you
Give the sun a chance to find you
Let it Go

Ah, just let it go

How can a man not see
It seems so clear to me
You've just got to live and learn
Smile at the simple stuff
This road ain't long enough
To miss a single turn

Let it Go Let it Go
This is smaller than you know
No bigger than a pebble lying on a gravel road
Let it Go Let it Go
Got to leave it all behind you
Give the sun a chance to find you
Let it Go

Let it go

It’s no bigger than a pebble lying on a gravel road
Let it Go Let it Go

I need this song.

Without a doubt, this song is my rock.

It has gotten me through everything. I shit you not. Any time I felt my nerves getting frazzled, I threw on this song. I have convinced myself of these words. I need to let it all go. And sometimes it’s hard to do. To let go. But it’s essential. You NEED to let go. Let go of what is bothering you. Let go because there’s nothing you can do about it. You’ve tried, you’ve failed, and now you need to let your worries fly free so that you can finally live again.

Worrying something into the ground isn’t getting anyone anywhere. Stop being so negative, and learn to be positive. If I can do it, anyone can.

That she has a crush now.

*really big puppy dog eyes*

17. Before It's Too Late – The Goo Goo Dolls


I wander through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
and I stood at a distance
To feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes

And

hold on before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

and the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone

hold on before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

So live like you mean it
Love 'til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone

hold on before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives


hold on before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

It's all that we need in our lives
It's all that I need in my life


This song has a lot of meaning in it. I’m not going to deny that I’m surprised that John Rzeznik has been coming up with lyrics like this lately. Sure, the older Goo Goo Dolls music is great, but this stuff has a lot of meaning in it that the older music doesn’t have. Which might explain why I like the newer stuff.


I crave music that’s trying to tell you to live. Most songs don’t. But on that rare occasion (although with this list of songs I’m starting to think it’s not so rare), you’ll get a song that’s almost pleading you to open your eyes to the world, and see how beautiful it truly is.


I know I’m going to start repeating myself, but my God people! Open your eyes! Look around you! Realize just how great it truly is to just be alive!


A life you don’t live is still lost.